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what happens to a dream deferred?

I am not happy.

does it dry up

There are a lot of things in my life that could be better.

like a raisin in the sun?

My looks, my realationship with my family.

or fester like a sore -

The way I can't ever feel safe being myself, not even with the friends I treasure more dearly than anything.

and then run?

My ambition, or lack thereof, to do anything about my future. My cowardice when it comes to making any sort of effort to plan ahead, anything beyond working a horrible, mindless, souless job.

does it stink like rotten meat?

My refusal to shoulder any of the responsibilty that comes with being an adult. My reluctance to become my father. My terror as I find myself emulating my mother, a woman whom I both deeply love and desprerately despise.

or crust and sugar over -

How very alone I sometimes feel, even in the misdt of a crowd of people. Wondering over an over if I'll ever find someone I can be happy with enough to spend my life with them, maybe even raise children with.

like a syrupy sweet?

My inability to plan, to organize, even to remember small things. And why I don't seem to care about anything anymore.

maybe it just sags like a heavy load.

The absence of a conscience, the hollow place in me that can't ever seem to fill, no matter how much I do.

or does it explode?Langston Hughes, "Harlem"

I am not happy with my life.
Neither do I truly hate it. I am - no more, no less - human. I have weaknesses. I am flawed. I make mistakes, I am not perfect.
But I am human. And I am learning. I know more about myself than I knew four years ago. I knew more then than I did when I was a child. And it follows that I will know even more ten, twenty, thirty years from now.
What have I learned?
I have learned that the thing most precious to me is that which no one else cares for. My mind.
I have learned that friends are something you can't buy, bully, or take for granted. And that tey can be more family than any ties of blood.
I have learned that my parents are human, also.
I have learned that I am capable of anything I need to do, if I want it badly enough.
I have much to learn. But then, I'm human



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