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Gah... I think my eyelids are glued together or something. Sitting here, waiting for the eyedoctor's to open so I can get my damn (read: expensive) glasses and then jet up to class. Gotta love school. I can only hope no one will see me drooling or care enough to do anything about it. At least we'll get the American Revolution today. Maybe. At the rate my teacher lectures, we'll be lucky to hit the 20th century by the end of the semester. Not that I would mind that, but it IS supposed to be American History and stuff.
Hurt. Really, really hate cramps. Not only do they hurt, they make everything else hurt worse. Somewhere in my bag is a happy little bottle of Advil, if I could only find it.
Heard some interesting things today. It seems that Jacen's not quite as dead as they want us to think. (Raise your hand, all of you who are surprised!) Apparrently, both he and Vergere will be in Traitor. Cool. Only six months away. Curious to see how they'll handle the twin's battle and all that. Anything's gotta be better than Dark Journey.
Found a new motto. Nolite te bastardes carborundorum. Cool, eh? Put it on my locker at work. I doubt that anyone there will get it, but I happen to completely agree with it.
It's cool. I seem to be coming out of whatever plot desert I've been wandering around in lately. While I was sitting there, folding 8000 sheets and shocking myself silly on the damn folder every thirty seconds, I kept getting these great ideas for stories. I even have a quasi-ending for one of them. Now, if I can find the time to sit down and write them out, I'll have accomplished something. Kinda sad, though. One of my closest online friends just left on her mission. I'm gonna miss her e-mails, especially because she has such interesting things to talk about. And we beta-read for each other. Which means that I'm beta-readers-less. Again. You'd think that on something as vast as the internet, it wouldn't be that hard to find people who know their grammar and are possessed of constructively critical minds.
I missed dinner last night. I wanted to go, but I also was really tired. And I wasn't really awake, either. It took me two hours to regain some semblance of consciousness. And the I had to go to work. Guess I'll give my valentines to people later. Sorry, Jenny. I hope there was someone there when you got off.
Been thinking about why I write in this thing, anyway. It's not because I'm bored. It's not that I really care if anyone reads it. Or it might be.
Honesty. Honesty towards others. But honesty towards yourself is even more important. Oh, I harbor self-illusions. Everyone does. But it does help to write my thoughts down, to let everything that's been fermenting around up there glimpse the light of day. Well, not everything. Some things aren't fit for public scrutiny. At least, not yet. Maybe one day, when I'm comfortable with who I am and unafraid of rejection, I might commit those things to paper. Maybe. I think that journals are incredibly self-entered. They kind of have to be. This is my journal. These are my thoughts, my fears, my ideas, my self-doubts. What I write here is about me. Is that bad? Sometimes. But it's also a good thing. What I feel, what I experience, is often hard to deal with. Writing about something also forces me to think about it. And sometimes that makes it just a little easier to endure. I know people read this. I know. I worry about putting something here that will hurt them. I've stopped reading certain people's journals. You know why? Because I want to respect their privacy. And I don't want to be hurt anymore. I can't make anyone like me. I try not to offend, but sometimes I really don't know when I'm doing something wrong. I want to be able to write honestly in this journal. I know that others feel the same. And even if they don't care whether or not I read theirs, I care. So if it's all the same to them, why not?
One more thing. Do I really want to write this? No, but it has to be said. And this is the last time I'm going to exploit my journal for this. My friends mean a lot to me. ALL of them. I realize that I see things very simplisticly. Fine. So be it. But I am tired of feeling like a means to an end. You don't like each other, that's fine. There's nothing I can or will do about that. But please understand that when you go about things as you have lately, other people get caught in the middle. I care about everyone. But half the time I feel like I'm guilty by association. I do NOT hold any grudges. I do NOT now, nor will I ever take sides. I love you as a friend. I accept you, even though I may not understand you. I don't want to lose you to some petty arguement. I understand enough to know that you may not want to spend time with me. Fine. But either accept me or reject me on my own, NOT by whom else I choose to be friends with.
That's it. That's all I have to say. Maybe I never should have said anything.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
veijukka
Feb. 14th, 2002 01:58 pm (UTC)
Blah...not enough time...Theresa, I can't speak for everyone else, but I can say that in my opinion, you should not be afraid to tell any and all of us exactly what you think, whenever you think it. I respect your opinions and perceptions, and I think "the rest of us" do, too.
veijukka
Feb. 14th, 2002 03:48 pm (UTC)
btw - cool picture. For whatever reason I just like the word eclipse.... And duh, of course Jacen's not dead...there'd be no story left if he was dead because Jaina's unfortunately discovered her "destiny" or lack thereof, and no one gives a shit about Kyp! Or at least I don't!
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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