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Winter

I usually love winter. Even though it's cold and dreary, winter makes me sit down and really look at my life. Summer and spring times when I can take a break from school and try new, fun things.
Then it gets cold and school starts up, and I find myself face to face with my own mortality. Not that I think I'm going to die, but that life is short, and I should really start planning on what I'm going to DO with it. School is dragging me around, because I keep finding things I want to do, but I can't. Do I really want to spend the rest of my life in college? Do I want to spend it teaching a bunch of surly teenagers? Everyone else has something they're good at, something they love to do. Like drawing, or science. I hate facing it, but as much as I love music, I'm never going to be any good at it. Take last week - I practiced for hours on one tiny passage, and I still can't play. Then some idiot freshman in orchestra glances over my shoulder at my music and plays the entire thing perfectly. I didn't know whether to cry or kill him. Then my natural lack of confidence set in and I felt like curling up into a ball and moaning. It's things like that that make me realize I'll never, ever, be any good at music. I often wonder if I could even teach it.
I know cold weather brings out all my brooding insecurities, but I think I really have something now. Music is, was, the only thing I'm even remotely good at. Now, I have no idea what I'm going to do. Dad keeps pressuring me to get a business degree, play it safe. Like him. I love my father, but his job has almost killed him. He works so hard, and gets so little back. Am I really destined to join the rat race?
Mom, on the other hand, yells at me for working too many hours. She wants me to quit entirely and spend all my time in school. How can I tell her that until I find out what I want to do, school is a waste of time? Lately, she keeps asking me when I'll graduate. I hate to lie to her, but she'd hate it more if I told her the truth. I had to go home to dinner on Sunday night, and my grandmother nagged me the whole time. Had I found a nice boy yet? When was I going to get married and have kids? Why didn't I ever wear a dress and curl my hair. Food doesn't taste so good when you have to bite your tongue the whole time.
Sometimes I wish I had moved far away. Far enough to get out from under my family's reach. I'm sick of trying to live up to everyone else's expectations. Was there ever a point in my life that I did something because I wanted to? But I'm here, and I have to play my little part. A puppet with too many strings.
Why can't I just go? Do something completely rash and leave? What's wrong with me? Am I really that insecure?
I hate the coming of winter. I hate it because it makes me look at how much I hate myself.

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
(Anonymous)
Oct. 25th, 2001 01:50 pm (UTC)
Damn LiveJournal... I have to post as Anonymous...
*hugs* I know how you feel hon... But you have to remember, the way you look at yourself is all relative. You think that Jenny can draw, because you don't think you can. But, Jenny's not happy with her work, she idolizes the people who are better than her. You may even think that I can draw... But I would classify my stuff as doodling, since there are SOOOO many people who are better than me. There are people who play better than you do. But, you are one of the most talented people I know. I've heard you play, and don't you dare say you aren't any good. You're a million times better than I could ever do. I love listening to you and Jen play together. Haven't heard that in years... We should do that again.

And I definately understand about not knowing what you want to do in life. *sigh* I was hoping that I was the only aimless one. Oh well. At the very least, we can be aimless together. I just hope that someday, something will hit us, like it did for Jen and Jenny. I suppose that it's never too late to start doing what you want to do.

Man, I'm being positive today. :)

*hugs* Don't worry. We'll always be here for you. Even if you do annoy the hell out of us. *laugh*
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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